


i saw a flicker of all that you were

by murdork



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: Episode Tag, Episode: 1x08, M/M, im emo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-02
Updated: 2017-04-02
Packaged: 2018-10-14 03:17:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10527705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/murdork/pseuds/murdork
Summary: He falls seamlessly into the act— so seamlessly that it is no longer an act.





	

**Author's Note:**

> title: tom rosenthal's "there isn't nothing" (a rly good joaquin/kevin song btw) 
> 
> um im fuckdt up after that episode js.

 

On his way from FP's to Kevin's, Joaquin's mind is an endless loop of the last five minutes.

The way FP had caught his falter. "What?" he had said, his voice biting. "You got a problem?"

"He likes me, you know." Joaquin had replied after deliberating it for too long of a moment. "For real."

The smart thing would've been to walk away with his head down. But the thing is, Joaquin's not smart. He's smitten. On the sheriff's son, no less. Whom he's supposed to be tapping for information— not... driving to his house late at night for one kiss.

It just gets more convoluted every time he thinks about it. See, Joaquin knows how this ends and it's not going to be good. FP knows this too. The only difference between his and Joaquin's theory is that Joaquin's ends with two broken hearts and not one.

It's a headache, is what it is. He's stuck between what he has do and what he wants to do— and they sort of overlap. He's supposed to take Kevin on dates to gather information on what his dad's doing. He _wants_ to take Kevin on dates to know more about him.

He knows quite a bit about him already, actually. Joaquin's more of a listener than a speaker and it's good because Kevin's the opposite. He knows that Kevin's best friend is Betty, he hates Chemistry with a passion, and that his favourite thing to do after a horrible day is get a milkshake from Pop's.

None of this information is relevant to FP, though, so it's useless. He can't very well go up to the Serpent and tell him this in lieu of an update on the sheriff.

It leaves him at a loss, though, because the only thing Joaquin knows about Kevin's dad is that Kevin loves him.

He breaks off his trail of thoughts to rub a hand over his eyes. He can feel pressure building behind them. Pressure, and guilt.

When he's with Kevin it's so easy to pretend that they're something real. He falls seamlessly into the act— so seamlessly that it's no longer an act. Joaquin doesn't have to pretend to want to kiss him, or hold his hand, or smile when he laughs. They're the definition of opposites attract when they're together; Kevin talking and laughing and kissing Joaquin for a moment before returning to his story, Joaquin content to listen and recieve kisses. (A little less content to stop kissing, but.)

The moment he's not with Kevin, or is faced with remembering that he's not just a boyfriend, it all comes crashing down. The mirage is ruined, and Joaquin is left with guilt and want. He's not even actually Kevin's boyfriend, despite how butterflies awake in his stomach every time Kevin says it. It's fake.

Except it's not. The feelings are there (confusing as they are.) Joaquin feels something for Kevin other than pity, that's for sure. Kissing him, _dating_ him is real. The pretense is fake, his emotion, on the other hand, is not.

He stops at Pop's before going to Kevin's, trying to bide his time and clear out his mind. It's no use showing up at his house like this, all conflicted. Besides, after tonight, Joaquin could use some junk food.

He wishes the milkshake in his hand was something stronger, but it's a milkshake, nothing more. He pays for it with the money he won from Kevin, which, despite the fact he's trying not to think about it, brings up more memories of his deceit.

The bar was a bad idea from the start, but Kevin had asked, and as time goes on Joaquin's finding it harder and harder to say no to him. It was two polar opposites that should have never met. Serpent Joaquin and boyfriend Joaquin— two different entities inhabiting the space. He was torn between keeping cool or playing the boyfriend. The Serpents don't value sensitivity, even if it's for a job, so he'd kept his distance, knowing that if he got too close, he'd lose all sense of a facade.

They had played pool to seem casual, and Joaquin could never resist a bet. He only wished that the " _you wish, preppy_ " out of his mouth had been softer. He would've been ridiculed later, sure, but maybe it would've gotten him a kiss.

A kiss before it all went to hell would've been nice. He had heard Kevin's stories about Archie, but he hadn't thought he would be dumb enough to confront a Serpent in Serpent territory. He'd tried to stop it, but it was too late.

Getting them out of there was the only option, he just regrets the way he left Kevin to be thrown out without so much as a look goodbye. There haven't been any texts from the other boy since the morning of that day.

He hopes this excursion isn't in vain. Kevin hadn't seemed mad, just a little frightened. The milkshake will make up for it. At least, he hopes it will. They haven't fought yet, which Joaquin is both thankful for and confused by. He hasn't gone this long without fighting with someone he's close to.

They'll probably fight when Kevin figures out, though. It won't be so much as a fight— the word suggests that there will be two sides to the argument— as it will be Kevin yelling and Joaquin listening, agreeing. He can only hope by then there's some way to salvage it. How, he doesn't know. But he still hopes.

When he pulls up, Kevin's dad's car is gone and the lights are off. He checks the clock on his dash, it's not too late, but sends a text anyways.

_You up? I'm at your door._

He doesn't have to wait long to hear Kevin come down the stairs and open the door. When it swings open, Joaquin doesn't hesitate. He steps in, and kisses him.

Kevin's surprised but he doesn't pull away. Joaquin smiles into the kiss before pulling away.

Kevin looks rightfully debauched. "Hey," he says, running a hand through his hair.

The sight of him relaxed and not mad has Joaquin biting his lip to stop smiling so much. "Hey. I brought milkshakes."

When Kevin's smile grows wider, so does Joaquin's. His emotions are magnetic, there have been countless times that Kevin's retelling his day and Joaquin grows the same amount of annoyed at someone else's antics.

"Not that I'm not glad you're here, but— why are you here?" Kevin asks as he leads Joaquin upstairs.

It's a question that Joaquin can't really answer himself. He doesn't have a reason. It's late, so he doubts that Kevin will be willing to divulge any secrets about the Jason Blossom case, and right now FP's more focused on him hiding the jacket than Joaquin doing anything else.

He shrugs. "Can't a guy visit his boyfriend?"

It's the first time he's used that word but it doesn't feel wrong. In fact, asides from kissing Kevin, it's the thing that feels most right about this whole situation. He's his boyfriend, regardless of the reason they started dating.

Kevin must know this too because the minute they're in his room, he kisses him again. It's with a bit more edge than he usually has— Joaquin's usually the driving force behind their kisses— but it's no less well-recieved.

His mind is still churning over FP's derogatory laugh, so he's absentminded in his own kisses. He's more focused on the way Kevin's hands feel in his hair than anything else. He's trying to commit this moment to memory.

His sentimentality slows him down to the point that Kevin breaks off, his face trying to hide concern.

"Is everything okay?"

His hands come to brush Joaquin's jawline in a gesture so gentle Joaquin's stress dissipates.

"Yeah, yeah everything's good," he says, not lying but not telling the truth.

He has to go on his tiptoes to chase away Kevin's distress with a kiss. He tries to do the same with his own worries, but he figures that as long as he's in this situation, they'll be there.

It's not a great situation (far from it, really) but Joaquin will take it over nothing.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> ?? i have a riverdale ig acc (@kevskeller) if u wanna yell @ me abt joaquin/kevin


End file.
